Our master of ceremonies for the evening is Neil Broadbent, whose claim to fame many years ago was carp fishing on a lake near Newark, England, only to be approached by the fishery bailiff with the immortal words, “Are you a heavy metal rock star?” and whilst playing pool in a salubrious drinking establishment in Nottingham, a group of totally respectable rock dudes insisted Neil was really the rock TV presenter ‘Crusher’ and all looked totally bemused when Neil insisted he wasn’t!

So without further ado, over to you, Neil.

Co-driver nominations were received from all over the world this year including, in alphabetical order, Australia, Barbados, Brazil, Canada, Estonia, Finland, Hungary, Ireland, New Zealand, Norway, Peru, Russia, Slovenia, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Turkey, Uganda, United Kingdom and United States of America.

Tonight we shall be honouring co-drivers from all over the world with these special awards, voted for by you, the rallying public:

• The ‘World’s Worst Spelling’ Award
• The ‘Welsh Boyo’ Award
• The 2003 Fashion Award for the co-driver with ‘The World’s Cleanest Co-driver Pixie Boots’
• The ‘World’s Worst Accommodation in the UK’ Award as chosen by a co-driver for his/her rally team
• The ‘Co-drivers don't know their left from their right’ Award
• The ‘Putting the Fear of God into the Driver - Golden Globes’ Award which is always presented to the most vociferous lady co-driver
• We shall be making a special tribute award
• And, finally, the highlight of the evening will be the presentation of the Golden Poti Award to the most popular co-driver as voted for by you

The temperature is rising, you can cut the tension with something sharp, you can hear a pin drop, only a quiet murmur can be heard in the stalls as all those present hang from the edge of their seats awaiting the all important results…

We start the evening with a startling award:

‘The World’s Worst Spelling Award’
Presented by our very own ‘obb-nobber extraordinaire, Richard Umourmönger.

This year ‘The World’s Worst Spelling Award’ is a group award and goes to… ALL those rallycodriver readers who voted for Louise Moya. Despite there being over 100 winners, not one was available to receive the award in person!

And so, we move on...

‘The Welsh Boyo Award’ is an extra-special accolade never before presented to a rallycodriver top co-driver nominee and the nominations are…

• Patrick Walsh
  for 'being able to sit in the same car as Huw (Joppa) Evans and still come out with clean pants!'
• Nicky Grist
  for 'having the balls to stay with Mr McRae as long as he did'
• Ieuan Thomas
  for 'never being seen without a smile on his face!'

And the winner is… Nicky Grist.  Unfortunately Nicky couldn’t be with us this evening to receive his award.  He has kindly donated his prize money to pay for the rallycodriver team’s Friday night out… Welsh Rarebit and a bottle of stout.

This year’s top fashion award for

Nicole, over to you…

Thank you, Neil darling. The nominations for ‘The World’s Cleanest Co-driver Pixie Boots’ are…

• Jonty Bolsover
  Despite hundreds of years of rallying, Jonty’s pixie boots remain in tip top condition. Asked how he keeps his boots so clean Jonty once remarked, “It’s a question of authority, really. If it’s muddy on the stages and you get a flat tyre, you insist that the driver does the wheel change. If it’s dry and sunny, or you notice a stunning chick spectating, only then do you get out of the car and strut your stuff!”
• Gordon Noble
  This is a slight variation on the theme of the 'Cleanest Boots'.  Gordy has been seen on several occasions during his illustrious co-driving career, legging it up (or back) to the time control to check his time with a marshal, thus displaying a 'Clean Pair of Pixie-Boot Heels' - somewhat reminiscent of Denis Hickey on the wing for the Irish Rugby team - now you see him, and now you don't!

And the winner is... Jonty Bolsover.  Unfortunately, Jonty couldn't be with us this evening.  He has just taken delivery of a new pair of pixie boots apparently made to order for him by Jimmy Choo and was NOT happy!  He had flown to Paris to discuss the difference between royal blue and electric blue with the man himself.

The

Over to you, Thierry…

Thank you, Neil.  The nominations for ‘World’s Worst Accommodation in the UK as chosen by a co-driver for his/her rally team’ are…

• The Grim Steamer
  A rather quaint establishment situated not too far from local amenities offering an outside loo and a stunning outlook onto a housing estate in sunny Glasgow
• The Piles
  A country inn on ‘an estate’ in North Yorkshire, not far from civilisation, offering cold running water and no breakfast, and a back room that sleeps eight (at a pinch).
• The Grin an’ Bear It
  A bed & breakfast establishment with no right to be one. Situated in the heart of Wales with stunning scenery less that an hour’s drive away, it’s an excellent ‘stop off point’ whilst you try and find somewhere else but always find everywhere is booked up. A bit like a trucker’s greasy caff but no trucker in his / her right mind ever stops there.

…and the winner is… The Grin an’ Bear It!

Unfortunately the proprietor of The Grin an’ Bear It couldn’t be here tonight to receive the award. However, the sponsors, Rent-o-kill, are at The Grin an’ Bear it as we speak, hosing the place down with concentrated sheep dip - with our compliments.

Back to the co-driver awards now and a special award sponsored by the International Co-drivers’ Institute for the Blind. It’s the

Over to you, Bernhardt...

Thanks, Neil. Tonight’s nominations for the ‘Co-drivers don't know their left from their right’ Award are as follows…

There were no nominations in this category!

Unfortunately, it transpires, based on all the unbiased and totally accurate feedback we have had for this award from our top co-drivers, it is clearly DRIVERS who don’t know their left from their right, and apparently, that’s BOTH their hands AND their feet.

Unfortunately, no drivers were available tonight to comment on these accusations or to collect their awards. A few tried at the last minute but either arrived late or couldn’t find the place.

The Golden Globes award, specifically put together by the rallycodriver team for outstanding lady co-drivers, is the

…and here to present the award is our star guest for the evening, Lady Jemima Wriothesley-Morpington. Over to you, Lady Jemima…

Thank you, Neil darling. As we are all aware, there could only be ONE nomination in this category and so The ‘Fear of God’ award goes to…

Claire Mole, our top lady co-driver, for being as quiet as a mouse in normal life and becoming a total tiger in the car! On more than one occasion Claire has been seen to fill the car with blue smoke, such is the heat and venom of her co-driver calls. Congratulations, Claire.

Unfortunately Claire wasn’t available to collect her award this evening but, rest assured, Richard Umourmönger will ensure that Claire receives her ‘Golden Globes’ at the earliest opportunity.

In October last year, Gareth was tragically killed in a car accident near his home in Wales. He had been the regular co-driver for Dorian Rees in their Welsh Clubmans Championship campaign throughout 2002 and, just before the Bulldog Rally, had been announced as the 2002 Co-driver Champion.

Gareth was clearly a talented co-driver and well-respected and liked by all who knew him, as you can see from the tributes that literally poured in for him during the voting for Top Co-drivers. It seemed that people wanted an opportunity to say perhaps those words they never thought to tell him when he was with us.

Gareth actually swept the board with the total number of block votes - 94 from one email address alone – and the judges felt, therefore, that a special award should be made in view of the strong feeling for this young man.

We are proud, therefore, to present this special award to Gareth’s family in remembrance and as a tribute to his life. He will be sorely missed.

And that concludes the 2003 rallycodriver co-driver awards. We thank the International Global Co-driver Institute for the Blind, Rent-o-kill, the Rotherham Evening Echo, Bob’s North Sea fish bar and most of all, you, all the rallycodriver readers who nominated their top co-drivers.

Until next year, thank you and good night.

Back to you, Bob…

The World's Strangest Co-driver Incidents
A world exclusive rally co-driver promotion, part of the new 'Spotlight on Co-drivers' series of rallycodriver special features.

Read on and weep...!